Written by 6:21 am Relationships

A Millennial’s Journey To A Perfect Marriage.

As children, we often dream of a perfect future with the love of our lives, fueled by the fairy tales and historical narratives we have been fed. This idealized notion of finding “the one” who will ensure our happily ever after is a powerful stereotype. It is easy to be captivated by this dream in our childhood, however, as we transition into adolescence and begin to date, we come to understand how this romantic ideal often falls short of reality. I vividly recall my first crush; the fluttering butterflies, the sweet yearning, and the frustration of not knowing how my crush felt about me. I also remember the intoxicating bubble of being in love and the shocking reality that it does not take much for that bubble to burst. There is nothing worse than being rejected, especially by someone in whom you have lost yourself.  As I watched my dreams crumble into a heap of ashes, I felt as if my entire future had been snuffed out.  

How does love work? Is it supposed to be this excruciating or was I doing something wrong? As a child of the 90s, I had no one to confide in since I was not expected to be in such relationships. Naturally, without guidance, this heartbreak lingered on and created a mistrust of relationships borne out of fear.  As a young adult, I preferred casual relationships, because the heartbreaks in my formative years reinforced the view that getting too attached to someone was asking for pain.

 

For two years, I fought to stay in that marriage and for two years my husband fought to leave. 

My story is far from unique; many of us went through the casual dating phase. Those carefree days ended without warning, as all my peers started getting married and starting families. At the grand old age of 27, I also decided to settle down. Despite my desire to be married, I had little guidance on how to nurture a happy, fulfilling relationship and a lot of toxic delusions. I didn’t understand that being a wife went beyond cooking and keeping a tidy home. I expected my efforts to be noticed and rewarded with devotion and adoration, which we all know is not guaranteed. I became bitter and resentful towards my husband and the marriage. My husband was similarly bitter and started doing his best to eliminate me from his life. I was enraged! How dare he break our vows? Instead of working together to find a solution, we both stuck to our points of view.

The story I was telling myself at the time was that I would not be a divorcée because I viewed divorce as accepting failure.  For two years, I fought to stay in that marriage and for two years my husband fought to leave.  One night it hit me that I could not control the uncontrollable. I also realised that my resolve to hang onto someone who wanted nothing to do with me was a selfish decision motivated by fear.  I took a deep breath and decided to lean in and let whatever was meant to happen do.  This moment of my radical acceptance and surrender released a kind of grace that helped my husband and I let go of each other and begin our separate journeys to heal our wounds.

No one can learn to love by following a manual

I took time off from relationships to heal. Those who have gone through the experience are aware of how difficult it is to get back in the game. Plus at almost 30 years, I was no longer young enough to meet people casually, and online dating scared me. So, instead of stressing myself with finding a partner, I chose to use the period to prepare myself for when it happened.

Legend has it that when Gautama attained enlightenment and became the Buddha, Lord Brahma was deeply moved and descended to kneel before him. Lord Brahma implored the Buddha to teach the dharma, as countless people on Earth suffered greatly, and this true path could alleviate their pain. Initially hesitant, the Buddha believed true understanding came from personal discovery, not mere teaching, but eventually out of compassion, he accepted to share his knowledge. I had faith that one day I would meet my own sage, someone who would impart wisdom and liberate me from my ignorance-induced suffering.

During this search I realised I was not alone in this. Adulthood for many women, I came to learn, is a period of adjusting expectations and reevaluating perceptions of love and romance drawing from personal experiences, both positive and negative. They are willing to spend vast sums of money on books and attend seminars, searching for the Holy Grail to relationships and marriage.  Many take this route, but unfortunately, no one can learn to love by following a manual.

I struggled most with what experts refer to as Weltschmerz. Weltschmerz is a German term that loosely translates to “world-weariness” stemming from the disparity between reality and our idealized expectations. It took me a long time to understand that love and romance in real life often fall short of our fantasies. I also had to learn that relationships evolve and perfect bliss is an illusion.

I taught myself to embrace life’s uncertainties because I realized that sometimes, not knowing what lies ahead can lead to unexpected joys.

I started preparing myself for marriage even though I had no prospects in sight. I did this by gaining clarity on the kind of marriage I wanted. Many people enter relationships for different reasons, I wanted a relationship that brought me joy. I also sought advice from my married friends. Once, I asked a friend why she stayed in a clearly joyless relationship, and she said it was better than being alone. Shocking revelations have a way of sticking into our psyche. I turned this less-than-desirable situation into a personal credo; do not settle for someone just because they seem better than nothing.

I also sought advice from my two best friends, enjoying thriving marriages after enduring terrible relationships. Their supportive and attentive husbands were confirmation that contrary to misconception some men are interested in marriage.

Probably the most profound advice I ever received about marriage and relationships came from them. One told me to look for a man that makes me want to become a better person not for him but for myself. “You will know that he is the right one when being with him makes you smarter, kinder, more generous, and more compassionate; essentially, a better version of yourself,” she said, adding “I have come to realize that relationships are not more complicated than that. At the end of the day, what matters is whether the person you are with makes you better and whether you make them better. When you do this for each other, you will experience the joy you seek and achieve things you didn’t think you were capable of.”

“We have purposed to eat lunch together ”

I still yearn and wonder and feel dissatisfied, even though I know I am loved because I am human.

I met my husband almost 14 years ago under the most unlikely circumstances. We started as friends and began a conversation that years later shows no signs of ending; the longer we live together, the more we have to talk about. Together, we crack the little moments of life open. We laugh at our little dramas, then we go back to them. In the morning as we both go to our respective workplaces, we hug each other and tell each other that we love each other. We have purposed to eat lunch together and when we get home in the evening, we continue the conversation we started that afternoon. In the beginning, my friends advised me to spend less time. “Give him a chance to miss you,” they urged. There is no way I could have told them that we miss each other terribly when we spend even as long as an hour apart.

Do we never fight? Absolutely not! We fight as often as two people spending so much time together usually do. Unlike my previous conflicts, our disagreements are driven by a mutual desire to improve things. We therefore, approach our conflicts, with the aim of finding solutions together without any trace of malice or ego. I strive to be a good partner, and recognizing that I am learning as I go, he makes an effort to ease the process for me. Does he never mess up? I would be concerned if he did not. But when he does, I am ready to forgive as simply and wholeheartedly as I expect to be forgiven. I still long for different things and sometimes wonder if I might be missing out on something, even though I know I am loved, simply because I am human.

I have come to learn that relationships are as diverse as the people in them; what works for one couple will not produce the same results when replicated by another. So I avoid getting involved in other people’s cycles of marriage and divorce. Relationships are deeply private matters whose successes and failures can never be fully understood by outsiders. The stories you hear often bear little resemblance to reality. Some aspects and nuances only make sense to the partners themselves. The best I do these days is wish every marriage well and feel a moment of sorrow for any divorce without trying to make sense of it. But most importantly, I am more than willing to share my journey with the hope that someone else going through the same confusion will learn something. 

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